FORMER Miss USA Cheslie Kryst’s memoir has shed light on the brutal messages the star received after her big win in 2019.
Kryst, who was crowned Miss USA at the age of 28, died by suicide two years later at 30 by jumping from her Manhattan, New York, apartment.
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Before her death in 2022, Kryst left her mother, April Simkins, a note asking her to publish the memoir she had been working on.
The book, By The Time You Read This: The Space Between Cheslie’s Smile and Mental Illness, shares her story and personal struggle with depression that the public was not able to see while she was alive.
In the book, which will be released on April 23, Kryst detailed the harassment she received online hours after her Miss USA win.
“Just hours after my win, I had to delete vomit-face emojis that a few accounts had plastered all over the comments on my Instagram page. More than one person messaged me telling me to kill myself,” read an excerpt of the book shared with People.
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“All of this only added to my long-standing insecurities — the feeling that everyone around me knew more than I did, that everyone else was better at my job, and that I didn’t deserve this title.
“People would soon find out I was a fraud. I felt like an imposter, but not just in pageants.”
The former Miss USA explained that she started picking apart her interviews finding things she could have done or said better.
She also explained, “Winning Miss USA hadn’t made my imposter syndrome go away. Instead, I was waiting for people to realize I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing. I’d perfected how to deal with that feeling in competition or in small doses— I could compartmentalize anything in short bursts. I’d immediately focus my thoughts on positive statements of power, but that only lasted for so long.”
‘INHALE EXHALE’
April Simkins also shared the gut-wrenching moment she learned about the death of her daughter in the upcoming memoir.
“My brain couldn’t register the words on the screen. I read them again and screamed from a place in my soul that I didn’t know existed,” Simkins recalled, according to the excerpt seen by the outlet.
“Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. If I stopped telling my body how to breathe, I would die.”
During Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk, Simkins revealed the horrific, timed text message that she received from her daughter.
Simpkins said Kryst timed it so she wouldn’t be able to “intervene.”
“First, I’m sorry, by the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore. And it makes me even more sad to write this because I know it will hurt you the most,” the message began.
More than one person messaged me telling me to kill myself.
Cheslie Kryst
“I love you mom, and you are my best friend, and the person I’ve lived for for years.
“I wish I could stay with you, but I cannot bear the crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness, and loneliness any longer.”
The text continued, “You have kept me alive and ready to face another day because you answer every phone call and you are there for me at the drop of a hat.
“I love you more than any person I’ve ever known. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve done everything right.”
‘VERY BEST FRIEND’
After Kryst’s death, Simpkins revealed in a statement that her daughter struggled with “high functioning depression” that she hid from family members and the public.
“I have never known a pain as deep as this. I am forever changed,” Simpkins started.
“Today, what our family and friends privately knew was the cause of death of my sweet baby girl, Cheslie, was officially confirmed.
“While it may be hard to believe, it’s true.
“Cheslie led both a public and a private life. In her private life, she was dealing with high-functioning depression which she hid from everyone – including me, her closest confidant – until very shortly before her death.
All of this only added to my long-standing insecurities — the feeling that everyone around me knew more than I did, that everyone else was better at my job, and that I didn’t deserve this title.
Cheslie Kryst
Simkins went on to remember her daughter’s laugh and wisdom, saying she will miss her hugs the most.
“We miss all of it – we miss all of her. She was a vital part of our family which makes this loss even more devastating,” she said.
She called her daughter her “very best friend,” detailing how much she loved her and how badly she would be missed.
A few hours before she fell from her high-rise New York apartment, Kryst posted a selfie with a chilling caption reading, “May this day bring you rest and peace.”
If you or someone you know is affected by any of the issues raised in this story, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255), chat on 988lifeline.org, or text Crisis Text Line at 741741.
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